Take Hold

A dream and some words from Toni Morrison.

Toni Morrison, by Damon Winter/The New York Times/Redux.

I don’t often spend much time dissecting my dreams, except on the rare occasions when they feel visceral — such as in this particular one. I felt the dream in my bones.

I can’t quite remember what was going on leading up to me being visited by the beloved Toni Morrison, but I can recall the words she spoke to me in slumber: Get out of here before you make this story end up somewhere in the gutter. Or, take hold of the reins. Find meaning. Find direction.

Whew. I was woken from my sleep that night and spent much time holding those words in my mind, pondering them over and over. It is only now that I feel like I have come to some sense of understanding of what they mean in my life, and so I am sharing my revelation here.

I believe that oftentimes, we lose sight of where we’re going — whether in writing or in physical life. I have occupied that space religiously for some time now, both as a writer and as a human being. If you’ve seen any of my recent notes, you’ll know that writer’s block has been a too-familiar acquaintance of mine these past few months. But only now am I realizing the block in my writing stemmed from a block in my life.

For so long, I have been perched on the edge of the mountain yet scared to take flight. In possession of a seed yet questioning why I was chosen as its vessel, second-guessing my ability to help it lay roots and eventually bear fruit. I have fought for control yet remained a war beneath the skin — battling crippling fear, anxiety, and self-doubt.

I have almost led my heart, my mind, my soul right into the gutter.

Reflecting on this, only then did I understand what Ms. Morrison was trying to tell me. My story, my journey is mine. Mine and no one else’s. I have to first recognize my power, and second affirm the strength I carry within me. I have to realize that I’m the only one who can make a difference in my life. I have to take hold of the reins. Find meaning. Find direction. In writing and in life, I have to take charge. We all do.

For now, I don’t have any other thoughts surrounding this, but it felt necessary to start here.

So, my friend, take hold of the reins. Find meaning. Find direction. And be the voice of your story. Don’t let it fall into the gutter.