My best friend, my person, my Other Half, my daughter’s god mother. We’re coming up on a year of the beginning of the end and to this day, I still have more questions than answers.
This is all true for me! I'm still so confused and sad.
Sending you so much love! It is sad to experience and go through and even over a year after the fact I find myself deeply sad and confused about it occasionally.
Mariah! I could have written this post myself! I also felt blind-sighted by the end of a long term friendship of over a decade. Also going though marriages and babies together. Also harboring things against me and I had no idea. This was a trippy read. But I agree with the takeaways that needs/desires/expectations need to be communicated (so I can know what I'm being held accountable to). I also left with a lingering fear that I will be "dumped" over things I am not made aware of.
This was an insightful read — as I’m usually in the other side of the painful coin having to dissolve a friendship that ran its course into delusion. I like how the article highlights that the narrative we speak onto other people are usually projections and that no one should internalize a misstep in action as a long lasting character flaw.
I’m the past I let things fester too long before addressing them but I learned that hurt real friendships that took more work to repair from this pause. Now I establish boundaries and look for those equally yoked to avoid the burden of burnout.
I love that you had the self-awareness to make those realizations and now have a better system in place to finding and sustaining genuine connections. We need more of that, and less of the emotional immaturity of people not taking responsibility for their actions/their role in things.
"As much as I wish I could just forget it all, she still means the world to me, and I care deeply about her life and what she had and has going on. I can’t help but long to be a part of her intimate space and life, and that longing hurts physically some days."
This part made my heart ache.
I really, really loved the piece. So much truth and honesty is appreciated ✨ Thank you both in sharing your vulnerability!
This was so relatable. I found the pandemic reshaped and even ended friendships for me. Unexpected and deep friendships that were chosen family have changed. I think I have changed in the process of becoming more of myself and that has impacted how much of the burden of repair I’m willing to carry. It’s also so strange drifting apart and not quite being able to put your finger on exactly what’s wrong and why we aren’t compatible anymore. It’s been very hard to let go and scary.
I echo what you said about how becoming more of yourself has impacted how much of the burden of repair you’re willing to carry. In being someone who always would put in more effort in my friendships, I find my desire to repair become less and less in relationships where the effort level of maintenance wasn’t matched
Wow wow wow!!! This got me in my feels truly!! The way you laid things out, I could feel it in my bones! I loved the roots and branches metaphor ! And also, am so glad my piece resonated with you 🥹❤️
Phew! This one leaves me with a lump in my throat. I am healing and still healing from the breakdown of two close friendships. It was unexpected and yet expected. Blindsided but not surprised...can those even co-exist? Thanks for sharing, BUT let me marinate, I find that I am still delicate while having no desire to go back.
This is beautifully written, and I love the metaphor of the tree. As an autistic woman, I’ve always intuitively understood relationships in this way. I tend to move on quickly because I’ve never placed too much emphasis on the branches of friendship. For me, it’s the roots that have been torn out that have caused the deepest pain. Losing those roots can leave you feeling unmoored and ungrounded for a time. But now, I see it as a gift—a chance to truly ground myself in the relationship I have with myself. Those are the roots that can never be disturbed without my consent.
Sher, I wish I had understood relationships in this way from the beginning. I think I would have known earlier that this previous friendship wasn't a root like I had categorized it as (which is likely why the pain of losing the actual friendship wasn't as bad as I thought it would be), but that was solely based off the length of time we knew each other. I would have measured it by its depth, its safety, and so much more. At some point I think I started realizing that, but overlooked it.
I love the gift of being able to ground yourself in the relationship you have with yourself. That is the one that matters most.
I look back at my friendship breakups and I think, while it was the most painful one, I preferred it to others. Mostly because it was clear when it happened, born of a jealousy by my best friend at the time of new friends I've made in University. Gosh, we were so young. Sadly, it wasn't one of those that would reconnect years later once I found her on Facebook, no less.
And there were those friendships I myself broke away from, quietly disengaging over the years, "ghosting" in current world terms. Perhaps that wasn't nice of me to do. Yet, I never stopped anyone from reaching out to me. And they didn't like they would have. I guess that's when I realised that their friendships with me wasn't as remarkable as I thought mine was of them... ouch.
Abigail, thank you for sharing this. Sometimes the friendship we hold with others isn't the friendship they hold with us. That is one of that things I realized in my situation, and it can be hard to wrap your head around.
When I was younger I definitely had friendships I'd slowly disengage from. But now I have an understanding of the emotional and mental effects ghosting can have on someone.
I broke up with a friend of 24 years last week. It was amicable and in the end somewhat mutual. We also spoke about a few things that was mentioned here...how friends are not treated the same as your romantic relationships...where you are encouraged to enter in healthy conflict and speak your truth. For some reason when it comes to friends we sweep it under the carpet for too long. However I did try to speak several times in the years, but she could never hear or own up to her side. In the end she told me it was all just 'my stuff'... not willing to take any of it on. That was the moment I knew it was time to walk away. I feel freedom and it feels like the best and most caring thing we could do for each other to walk away. Thanks for writing about this. I'm encouraged to write about my experience ... x
I agree that we tend to sweep it under the carpet for too long. Then it boils into rage, resentment, etc. And in any situation, I fail to believe it is ever just one person's "stuff." In my case, I realized and acknowledged my own stuff while also knowing she had a lot of her own stuff that she wasn't willing to face — maybe cutting me off was easier than doing so for her. That made me realize that we cannot control anyone's emotional maturity except for our own. We cannot force people to face themselves if they are not ready to. Because, how we are shows up in everything. Relationships, friendships, etc. I would love to read your experience, especially as someone who made the decision to end the friendship. I know hearing that side is just as important, and may even give me a little more understanding in some things I may have missed in my situation — even though mine was far from amicable.
So grateful to be reading this magical collaboration.
What a stunning and healing reflection.
Mariah, the way you were able to alchemise the pain did something for me. I think I am at the phase of looking at myself through the lens of the friends that left. And it’s made me timid and walled off in the ways I now show up for the remaining friends or the friend waiting to happen.
Thank you for giving me something to add to my emotional first aid kit for when this resurfaces up for me.
Katz, so glad the words found you. I was walled off for a little while for sure, scared that at the drop of a pen another person would step forward and reveal their true heart towards me. But I had to get out of that shadow of fear and really find a way forward. I have so many wonderful people in my life and so many others have entered since then. I just found a way to make meaning. It also helped when I realized that in this particular situation the loss of the friendship wasn't what truly hurt. It was the way it happened when it could have been a civil, mature conversation that took place — and if at the end of that there still wasn't desire to continue the friendship then so be it.
This conversation is food to the soul. Much comfort and relief came from reading this. I can empathize with you both considering this is something that I'm dealing with. Every word rings true to me and this post confirmed that I am not alone in the grief and seasonal change with friendships. What I learned from this is that I can give grace to people who are committed to their own truth, without sacrificing the ultimate one
I love that last line. Honoring that everyone has their own truth, but that doesn't necessarily make it YOUR truth. We perceive and experience things differently. When I took the time to ponder on things, I could completely understand why in some instances she believed I was being unsupportive while also 100% knowing that I never intended to for it to come across that way. The nature of our friendship was a joking one, so at some point I think she stopped realizing when I was joking with her. That's neither of our faults, just a different in perception. But something I wish had been addressed sooner rather than later because I know I would have been understanding enough.
the sting of losing a close, long-term friendship is such a traumatic experience, and one that is so easy to feel alone in. thank you both for sharing your perspectives and extending grace towards yourselves and them<3
Thank you so much for inviting me to join you in this conversation, sis. This is something we should be talking about more. Maybe talking about it more can prevent more of them from occurring? I chuckled at some of my feelings that I wrote about because they are either fleeting or gone. I still miss her, but the longing for reconnection slowly decreases as time goes on and I experience more life without her.
I couldn't pass up sharing this space with you, especially with your willingness to be vulnerable on this subject. Like you said, maybe more conversations about it will encourage others to be more mindful in scenarios like this. I echo your sentiment of the longing for reconnection decreasing. I know I was already there around the beginning of the year and you were still having some conflicting feelings. If time is ever to make the paths cross again, I wouldn't be able to tell you what I'd imagine my response would be. But truly right now, there's really not much desire from me for that to even be so.
And Ashleigh!
My best friend, my person, my Other Half, my daughter’s god mother. We’re coming up on a year of the beginning of the end and to this day, I still have more questions than answers.
This is all true for me! I'm still so confused and sad.
Sending you so much love! It is sad to experience and go through and even over a year after the fact I find myself deeply sad and confused about it occasionally.
Mariah! I could have written this post myself! I also felt blind-sighted by the end of a long term friendship of over a decade. Also going though marriages and babies together. Also harboring things against me and I had no idea. This was a trippy read. But I agree with the takeaways that needs/desires/expectations need to be communicated (so I can know what I'm being held accountable to). I also left with a lingering fear that I will be "dumped" over things I am not made aware of.
This was an insightful read — as I’m usually in the other side of the painful coin having to dissolve a friendship that ran its course into delusion. I like how the article highlights that the narrative we speak onto other people are usually projections and that no one should internalize a misstep in action as a long lasting character flaw.
I’m the past I let things fester too long before addressing them but I learned that hurt real friendships that took more work to repair from this pause. Now I establish boundaries and look for those equally yoked to avoid the burden of burnout.
Thanks for your perspectives ladies!
I love that you had the self-awareness to make those realizations and now have a better system in place to finding and sustaining genuine connections. We need more of that, and less of the emotional immaturity of people not taking responsibility for their actions/their role in things.
"As much as I wish I could just forget it all, she still means the world to me, and I care deeply about her life and what she had and has going on. I can’t help but long to be a part of her intimate space and life, and that longing hurts physically some days."
This part made my heart ache.
I really, really loved the piece. So much truth and honesty is appreciated ✨ Thank you both in sharing your vulnerability!
Thank you for taking the time to read our words <3
This is simply beautiful and so heartbreaking too. I can attest to the grief of friendship break-ups. They're pretty devastating.
And I hope we find courage to talk more openly about them.
This was so relatable. I found the pandemic reshaped and even ended friendships for me. Unexpected and deep friendships that were chosen family have changed. I think I have changed in the process of becoming more of myself and that has impacted how much of the burden of repair I’m willing to carry. It’s also so strange drifting apart and not quite being able to put your finger on exactly what’s wrong and why we aren’t compatible anymore. It’s been very hard to let go and scary.
I echo what you said about how becoming more of yourself has impacted how much of the burden of repair you’re willing to carry. In being someone who always would put in more effort in my friendships, I find my desire to repair become less and less in relationships where the effort level of maintenance wasn’t matched
Wow wow wow!!! This got me in my feels truly!! The way you laid things out, I could feel it in my bones! I loved the roots and branches metaphor ! And also, am so glad my piece resonated with you 🥹❤️
Yes truly loved your piece! Thanks for reading this one🤎
Phew! This one leaves me with a lump in my throat. I am healing and still healing from the breakdown of two close friendships. It was unexpected and yet expected. Blindsided but not surprised...can those even co-exist? Thanks for sharing, BUT let me marinate, I find that I am still delicate while having no desire to go back.
Those can definitely co-exist. Sometimes you knew before you realized you knew. But whewww, delicate while having no desire to go back yes yes yes
This is beautifully written, and I love the metaphor of the tree. As an autistic woman, I’ve always intuitively understood relationships in this way. I tend to move on quickly because I’ve never placed too much emphasis on the branches of friendship. For me, it’s the roots that have been torn out that have caused the deepest pain. Losing those roots can leave you feeling unmoored and ungrounded for a time. But now, I see it as a gift—a chance to truly ground myself in the relationship I have with myself. Those are the roots that can never be disturbed without my consent.
Sher, I wish I had understood relationships in this way from the beginning. I think I would have known earlier that this previous friendship wasn't a root like I had categorized it as (which is likely why the pain of losing the actual friendship wasn't as bad as I thought it would be), but that was solely based off the length of time we knew each other. I would have measured it by its depth, its safety, and so much more. At some point I think I started realizing that, but overlooked it.
I love the gift of being able to ground yourself in the relationship you have with yourself. That is the one that matters most.
Thank you for this. It gives me some deep feelings to reflect on. I have work to do.
Be graceful with yourself through it <3
I look back at my friendship breakups and I think, while it was the most painful one, I preferred it to others. Mostly because it was clear when it happened, born of a jealousy by my best friend at the time of new friends I've made in University. Gosh, we were so young. Sadly, it wasn't one of those that would reconnect years later once I found her on Facebook, no less.
And there were those friendships I myself broke away from, quietly disengaging over the years, "ghosting" in current world terms. Perhaps that wasn't nice of me to do. Yet, I never stopped anyone from reaching out to me. And they didn't like they would have. I guess that's when I realised that their friendships with me wasn't as remarkable as I thought mine was of them... ouch.
Abigail, thank you for sharing this. Sometimes the friendship we hold with others isn't the friendship they hold with us. That is one of that things I realized in my situation, and it can be hard to wrap your head around.
When I was younger I definitely had friendships I'd slowly disengage from. But now I have an understanding of the emotional and mental effects ghosting can have on someone.
I broke up with a friend of 24 years last week. It was amicable and in the end somewhat mutual. We also spoke about a few things that was mentioned here...how friends are not treated the same as your romantic relationships...where you are encouraged to enter in healthy conflict and speak your truth. For some reason when it comes to friends we sweep it under the carpet for too long. However I did try to speak several times in the years, but she could never hear or own up to her side. In the end she told me it was all just 'my stuff'... not willing to take any of it on. That was the moment I knew it was time to walk away. I feel freedom and it feels like the best and most caring thing we could do for each other to walk away. Thanks for writing about this. I'm encouraged to write about my experience ... x
I agree that we tend to sweep it under the carpet for too long. Then it boils into rage, resentment, etc. And in any situation, I fail to believe it is ever just one person's "stuff." In my case, I realized and acknowledged my own stuff while also knowing she had a lot of her own stuff that she wasn't willing to face — maybe cutting me off was easier than doing so for her. That made me realize that we cannot control anyone's emotional maturity except for our own. We cannot force people to face themselves if they are not ready to. Because, how we are shows up in everything. Relationships, friendships, etc. I would love to read your experience, especially as someone who made the decision to end the friendship. I know hearing that side is just as important, and may even give me a little more understanding in some things I may have missed in my situation — even though mine was far from amicable.
So grateful to be reading this magical collaboration.
What a stunning and healing reflection.
Mariah, the way you were able to alchemise the pain did something for me. I think I am at the phase of looking at myself through the lens of the friends that left. And it’s made me timid and walled off in the ways I now show up for the remaining friends or the friend waiting to happen.
Thank you for giving me something to add to my emotional first aid kit for when this resurfaces up for me.
Katz, so glad the words found you. I was walled off for a little while for sure, scared that at the drop of a pen another person would step forward and reveal their true heart towards me. But I had to get out of that shadow of fear and really find a way forward. I have so many wonderful people in my life and so many others have entered since then. I just found a way to make meaning. It also helped when I realized that in this particular situation the loss of the friendship wasn't what truly hurt. It was the way it happened when it could have been a civil, mature conversation that took place — and if at the end of that there still wasn't desire to continue the friendship then so be it.
This conversation is food to the soul. Much comfort and relief came from reading this. I can empathize with you both considering this is something that I'm dealing with. Every word rings true to me and this post confirmed that I am not alone in the grief and seasonal change with friendships. What I learned from this is that I can give grace to people who are committed to their own truth, without sacrificing the ultimate one
I love that last line. Honoring that everyone has their own truth, but that doesn't necessarily make it YOUR truth. We perceive and experience things differently. When I took the time to ponder on things, I could completely understand why in some instances she believed I was being unsupportive while also 100% knowing that I never intended to for it to come across that way. The nature of our friendship was a joking one, so at some point I think she stopped realizing when I was joking with her. That's neither of our faults, just a different in perception. But something I wish had been addressed sooner rather than later because I know I would have been understanding enough.
the sting of losing a close, long-term friendship is such a traumatic experience, and one that is so easy to feel alone in. thank you both for sharing your perspectives and extending grace towards yourselves and them<3
So glad these words found you so that you feel less alone <3
Thank you so much for inviting me to join you in this conversation, sis. This is something we should be talking about more. Maybe talking about it more can prevent more of them from occurring? I chuckled at some of my feelings that I wrote about because they are either fleeting or gone. I still miss her, but the longing for reconnection slowly decreases as time goes on and I experience more life without her.
I couldn't pass up sharing this space with you, especially with your willingness to be vulnerable on this subject. Like you said, maybe more conversations about it will encourage others to be more mindful in scenarios like this. I echo your sentiment of the longing for reconnection decreasing. I know I was already there around the beginning of the year and you were still having some conflicting feelings. If time is ever to make the paths cross again, I wouldn't be able to tell you what I'd imagine my response would be. But truly right now, there's really not much desire from me for that to even be so.