Where And How I Carry

some thoughts on emotions.

It appears as though we as a culture are largely misinformed about the necessity of our emotions, and sometimes even misled by our feelings when we do not recognize our own power to harness them.

Our society seems to turn its nose up to any kind of “negative” emotion: grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, despair. We are rarely afforded the opportunity to feel our feelings in full capacity. We are rushed through our grief, taught to silence our pain, commanded to cheer up rather than encouraged to feel our way through our emotions.

Currently, I’m reading The Garden Within: Where the War with Your Emotions Ends and Your Most Powerful Life Begins by Dr. Anita Phillips, and it has changed my perspective and approach to the emotions I carry.

Though I haven’t gotten through the entire book yet, the first few chapters have already prompted me to meet my feelings with more grace. In the foreword, Sarah Jakes Roberts writes, “The more willing you are to embrace your humanity, the more powerful you can become.”

In a post I wrote for my other Substack, Motherness, I mentioned that to be flawed is the bark of our humanity. To further that statement, I want to note that grace is required to attend to those parts of us that we may not necessarily enjoy or be proud of. Grace is necessary in order for us to then shape those pieces of ourselves into ones that bring joy and meaning to our lives.

My emotions have been a big topic in therapy sessions as of lately. I’ve talked often about feeling shame around what I feel at times. Around how I carry my emotions. Around what they do to me.

“We don’t like to acknowledge the strength of our emotions because it seems like an admission of defeat,” Dr. Anita writes. True. “Prevailing attitudes toward emotions, especially emotional pain, cause many people to struggle to be present with (and may I add, feel) their feelings, but also to resist minimizing someone else’s pain.” Also very, very true.

To state that something affected us so deeply to the point where our emotions became involved is an act that requires a vulnerability not many are willing to give. Why? Because our approach to feelings makes us believe that when we experience emotions — emotional pain specifically — we are weak, we have no power, we possess no control.

But, as one of my favorite quotes by Brené Brown reads, “Vulnerability is not weakness, it’s the most accurate measurement of courage. And the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”

When we disconnect from our feelings, they don’t magically go away. They remain there, beneath the surface, “eroding our well-being,” as Dr. Anita states. Our “unattended” emotions are what possess the power to “threaten the ground of our hearts.” Not the actual emotion or feeling itself.

Pondering on that made me realize:

It is not what I feel. The feelings that make their way through my heart, my mind, my soul are the emotions that make up my humanity. It is what I do with those feelings, and what I allow those feelings to do with me.

I am not owned by my feelings, nor am I a servant to their demands. I can feel one thing and respond in a way that totally contradicts that emotion.

I can feel grief and respond by opening my heart to more love. I can feel fear and respond by taking a leap of faith. I can feel envy and respond by acknowledging that it does not connect me to the people I love or allow me to operate purely as a vessel of the work that I’ve been called to. I can feel anger and respond by choosing forgiveness. I can feel uncertainty and respond by loosening my grip on the need to have control. I can feel hurt and respond by affirming that it is not a spirit I wish to operate in, get to the root of the wound, and release it.

It is not what I feel. It is what I do with those feelings, and what I allow those feelings to do with me.

Honoring that has allowed me to release shame around emotional experiences that I may not be proud of. I can look back on moments where I reacted and responded out of emotions rather than out of understanding of my emotions and offer myself grace. I can give comfort to the emotional pain I experienced in those moments, knowing that I have evolved and have gathered more awareness for apprehending my mind, my soul, my heart and the emotions that make their way to them.

Your most powerful self exists in feeling your feelings. In understanding your emotions. In engaging with your vulnerability.

Where do you carry your emotions? Where do your emotions carry you?